Funny Emails

alrighty we all get funny as emails, so let share some

> >>Subject: Virus Warning
> >>
> >>
> >>If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do
not
> >>open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
> >>everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
> >>within 6 metres of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of
> >>your
> >>credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking
> >>on
> >>your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you
> >>attempt
> >>to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 019
numbers.
> >>This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
> >>
> >>IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will
> >>drink
> >>ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? It will leave dirty
> >>underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will
> >>replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the
> >>"Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave
> >>the
> >>toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to
a
> >>full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your
> >>mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole
> >>milk.
> >>
> >>***
> >>WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
> >>And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so
> >>hard
> >>that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
> >>sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
> >>Send this warning to everyone!!!
> >>
> >>THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
> >>
> >>Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
> >>
> >>And look at you - you're on the computer!

LMAO...that halarious.

not bad...not bad at all... i usually delete all the fwds that i receive.. but ill keep a few good ones and post em up as they come along

This one made me ROFLMAO

A LESSON FOR ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS!!!

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in
Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her
point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a Long line of inconvenienced
travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this
flight and it HAS to be NOW". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir.
I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people
first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger
was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU
HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and
grabbed her public address microphone:


May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she
began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. We have a
passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help
him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to get in line for that too."

Hello, my name is Brian and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50
billion f#cking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe
that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Wagga Wagga with a
breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone
to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get
laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullsh!t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started
by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on Capt
Cooks boat.

F#ck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel
from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't f#cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own
unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave
you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's
funny, send it on.

Don't p!ss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years
and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you
forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your
underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

P.S. Send me 15 bucks and then F#ck Off ...


---no-----SEND ME 15 BUCKS---then 'Brian' can f#ck off!!

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS >> >
Question 1:


If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, and she was having a baby,would you recommend that she have an
abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.




Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.




Candidate A -

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.

Candidate B -

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.


Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

















Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone.




Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark.

Professionals built the Titanic and in case you never saw this one......


Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
*3 have done time for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year




Can you guess which organization this is?




Give up yet?




It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of
idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep
the rest of US in line.

Theyre great taz!!! its nice to see something i havent already seen


Now.... Check this out!!! Very skillful

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4...8603&q=football

ahahahaha, nice one taz

that was wikid oldskoolie but i gota ask... Y culdnt he stand up?...
Tash & Taz, ur's wer sooo funi, hehe, i seen tha brian one on sum other thread, still a gd one tho...

I dont think he wanted to.

lmfao! that emails gonna start to b sent around again

got this one the other day .......



Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning
labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
_____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
_____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.
_____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.
_____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.
_____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may
cause you to think you can sing.
_____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
_____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
_____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
_____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to think people are laughing WITH you.
_____

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol
may cause pregnancy.
_____

WARNING:
The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode

and another one.....




Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

LOL ROFL LMAO this thread is gonna make me piss myself keep up the funny work guys

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with
ruggedly handsome, masculine features.

And when she is menstruating,

she prefers man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye
and a cricket stump up his arse :-)

image not archived: emot-nod.gif YEP!!!

This post has been edited by Nessa: Nov 1 2005, 01:36 PM

Ok.. it may not be funny but it's cute.. and who doesn't want this little guy around when their feeling down...

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/ilike.html

PS: needs sound

This post has been edited by KandiRaver: Nov 1 2005, 01:44 PM

one for the tech heads, gotta love my job

Attached thumbnail(s)

For Honeymooners

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.


After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to
kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and
when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says,
"You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The
little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The
Blonde then pulls out a note that
reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and
if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in
non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00
tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother.
The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside
the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to
the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man
says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this
cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from
behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with
A grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again and I'll give you one
from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man
sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to
himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners
At it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two
Pensioners near the gas works.

The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The
old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the
Little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of
The most athletic s** the man has ever seen.

The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace
that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere,
the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything
that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not
from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he
Says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that
now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed
themselves.

Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir,
in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly
At your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f***ing fence wasn't
Electrified !

lmfao!!!! all three of those are very funny

THIS IS ONE I GOT AT THE END OF LAST YEAR BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS RATHER GOOD



MERRY CHRISTMAS & A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY FRIENDS..............

Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003 &
2004! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out
from you that it's good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with a disease.

I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you
said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to
walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me
with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask
me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls
to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are
nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that
are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get
sick from the rat faeces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that
someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full
of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to
pull over as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced cheques that I wrote, in anticipation of
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I
participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and
neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or
forgot to follow and I got a curse.

OOPS I ALMOST FORGOT, IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to
at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you
tonight at 7:00 PM.

Here's to an even better informed 2005 !

[quote=MissPeppermint,Nov 1 2005, 02:14 PM]
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to
the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK... (Good ol' Aussies)

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants and what’s left of the aborigines, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We also have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida, which is now alongside Cuba and people are crossing by foot" said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event. "Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky. "Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Canales (pure coincidence), who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Zeballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Zeballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela where President Chavez is thought to be on vacation. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home. What time is it here anyway?"

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, Florida citizenship to all Australian crocodiles and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

After 20 minute talks U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there was only a dog.

It was a shitzu.

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries - Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug
out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?... "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE
FUCK UP, DRINK YOUR GOD DAMN BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ARSE ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ARSEHOLE?"
..and, they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story.

lmfao

love it smp!!

Heard it before, still don't like it

wat a typical male responce

door swings both ways woman!

absolutely....thats why my darling can go out whenever he wants....I don't give a rats.....its all good!!! I just thought this was funny!!! I honestly hope there are no women who actually are like this out there....good luck to them if they are...they'd be divorcees pretty quickly if so....

What's the best thing about being an amphetamine addict?

Only 3 sleeps till Christmas.

I can relate

Foonji, this ones for you....this wasn't on one of your army escapades I hope

Makes one so proud to read the truth
Letter to his CO from a Captain answering his CO's "Request for further
information."

Sir,

In your icy, indeed hostile, telephone call of yesterday, you requested
a report about the alleged proceedings involving my soldiers. As the
reports from the local authorities and the head of the Australian
legation were undoubtedly a complete fabrication, I welcome the
opportunity to put the truth of the matter forward. .

Your kind offer to "buy a round of drinks" for the troops at the end
of the deployment was taken and the CSM ensured that appropriate
quantities of libation and food were purchased against your credit card
, with festivities being held in my hotel suite. An enjoyable evening
ensued but insufficient supplies had been obtained, so several members
of the company left for further purchases at a local bar.

In a truly magnanimous gesture, ten bar girls from that establishment
helped carry the beer back to the hotel. To demonstrate our
appreciation of their assistance, we served them some cool drink. They
then offered to show us some local culture, and, in order not to
offend, we allowed them to dance.

The banging on the walls of my room had, by now, quite honestly, become
invasive, and it was disturbing the dancers, so we arranged an amusing
little deterrent. LT Brown's impersonation of a Police Officer was
quite clever as he goose-stepped to each room and harangued the
occupants with a very witty diatribe about disturbing hotel guests. I
personally heard nothing of his alleged threats to life or limb in as
claimed by the sister of the local Police Chief whose room was,
unluckily, next door.

I suspect that this woman was the sneak who called security and hotel
management but I absolutely refute that the shout "Stand To, enemy
approaching!" was made. The simple coincidence of security arriving
just as we stood the double bed on its side across the door to make the
dance floor bigger is obvious. The major damage to the room occurred
when a group of gatecrashers, whom we could not know were hotel
security, forced their way in just as most of us happened to be leaning
against the bed watching the dancing.

The subsequent events in the foyer of the hotel are an equally vicious
distortion of the facts. I was explaining the importance of the post
activity celebrations to the General Manager of the hotel, and stating
that other guests were obviously fabricating their stories of the noise
and drinking, when CPL Smith and several others from HQ Coy (in keeping
with their pursuit of physical fitness) organised the race up the drapes
which hang along the foyer wall. It says little for the workmanship that
the fittings were torn from the wall before most of the company was
even halfway up.

At this stage SGT Williams, our Orderley Room SGT attempted to rescue
the situation with her depth of knowledge of local culture. Her
rendition of the Fertility Dancing Maiden in the foyer's 'Pool of
Remembrance' was nothing short of breathtaking. Normally this dance is
performed wearing just a sarong skirt but SGT Williams' extra step to "
Au Natural" was a bold step forward. Unfortunately, during one
intricate step, SGT Williams slipped and fell beneath the fountain, but
we were lucky that SSGT Johnson had the great presence of mind to strip
to avoid getting his uniform wet, leapt in to help.

The tiles of the pool were very slippery and it took nearly ten minutes
of threshing about before he could actually complete his rescue. Such
concern was there for these two exemplary member's safety, that the
many of company jumped in to assist, and I deny that this massed rescue
attempt could be construed as a 'Water Polo' game!

Order had nearly been restored when the fire started. I prefer CPL
White's version of events that the drapes had caught fire from being
against a light fitting, and that he dropped his cigarette lighter
whilst trying to escape the flames. Had hotel management fulfilled
their responsibilities and used fire retardant material instead of
velvet, the fire would not have spread to the rest of the hotel.

The responsible attitude shown by my soldiers in assisting the bar
staff to carry out drinks from the cocktail party is to be commended,
not condemned, and the attempt by many male members to extinguish
pockets of fire using natural means has been totally misrepresented in
some quarters.

I made an official protest about these matters when the head of the
Australian Legation visited us at the Police Station the next morning.
However, not only did Ambassador Downey not attempt to refute the
preposterous allegations made against me and my soldiers crew, but also
failed to secure our release immediately.

I trust that now I have outlined the correct version of events, we may
allow ourselves a discreet smile as to the lack of social
sophistication of some of these developing nations and put all this
behind us. In my opinion my soldiers behaved in accordance with the
finest Australian Army traditions.

R O F L C O P T E R !

I got this one today, don't know if you saw the "edited" version in the advertiser a few days ago



Attached thumbnail(s)

LMFAO! SMP that is soooo true, i luv it

*fwd's to everyone in the unit*

man there all good ....the army one was too long for my small brain

but ia my all time fav in this thread so far

This happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a
storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve pproaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned
the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a bend. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce....here's the ****** idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

Why Yelling At Men Doesn't Work

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

This link takes you to the funniest email I have ever been sent I looooooove it.

Try it you will laugh tooooooo.

See ya all @ Venus tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yippeeeeeeeeeee


http://images2.jokaroo.net/flash/elevatordisco.swf

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Emilie. Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss."

hahahahaaa....I've seen this one before and love it too....so funny!!! Stuff taking the stairs....I'd get in and start grooving too

You know you grew up in the 1980's and early
1990's if....
> >> >
> >> > 1. Cabbage patch kids were legitimate members
of your
family.
> >> >
> >> > 2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
> >> >
> >> > 3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of
Bel-Air"
> >> >
> >> > 4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and
felt stylish.
> >> >
> >> > 5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby -
Sitter's Club
and
> >> > you even started a club of your own.
> >> >
> >> > 6. You owned
those lil Strawberry Shortcake
pals scented
> >> > dolls.
> >> >
> >> > 7. You know that "WHOA" comes from Joey on
Blossom.
> >> >
> >> > 8. Two words: M.C. Hammer
> >> >
> >> > 9. You even watched "Fraggle Rock".
> >> >
> >> > 10. You had plastic streamers on your
handlebars.
> >> >
> >> > 11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck
Tales".
> >> >
> >> > 12. When it was actually worth getting up early
on a
Saturday
> >> > to watch cartoons.
> >> >
> >>
> 13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your
head.
> >> >
> >> > 14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles" on
the
> >> > big screen.
> >> >
> >> > 15. You made your mum buy one of those clips
that would hold
> >> > your shirt in a knot on the side.
> >> >
> >> > 16. You played the game "MATCH" (Mansion,
Apartment, Toilet,
> >> > Church, House)
> >> >
> >> > 17. You walked like an Egyptian.
> >> >
> >> > 18. You wanted to change your name to
"JEM" in
Kindergarten.
> >> >
> >> > 19. You remember reading "Are you there God,
it's me,
> >> > Margaret"
> >> >
> >> > 20. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON,
WAX OFF"
> >> >
> >> > 21. You wanted to be a Goonie.
> >> >
> >> > 22. You even wore fluorescent clothing.
> >> >
> >> > 23. You can remember what Michael Jackson
looked like before
> >> > his nose fell off...
> >> >
> >> > 24. You have even pondered why Smurfette was
the only female
> >>
> smurf.
> >> >
> >> > 25. You took Lunch Pails to school.
> >> >
> >> > 26. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of
slap
> >> > bracelets.
> >> >
> >> > 27. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after
every
sentence.
> >> >
> >> > 28. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
> >> >
> >> > 29. Barbie and the Rockers was your favourite
band.
> >> >
> >> > 30. You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook
up.
> >> >
> >> > 31. You thought
your childhood friends would
never leave
> >> > because you exchanged friendship bracelets.
> >> >
> >> > 32. You even owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
> >> >
> >> > 33. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you
kept saying "I
> >> > know you are, but what am I?"
> >> >
> >> > 34. You remember, "I've fallen and I can't get
up"
> >> >
> >> > 35. You remember going to the skating rink
before there were
> >> > in-line skates.
> >> >
> >> > 36. You even got seriously injured on a Slip
and Slide.
> >>
>
> >> > 37. You remember when the film clip to "Like A
Prayer" was
> >> > banned
> >> >
> >> > 38. You have even played with a Skip-It.
> >> >
> >> > 39. You had or attended a birthday party at
McDonalds.
> >> >
> >> > 40. You've gone through this nodding your head
in agreement.
> >> >
> >> > 41. You remember Popples.
> >> >
> >> > 42. "Don't worry, be happy"
> >> >
> >> > 43. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over
tights with
high
> >> > top Reeboks.
>
>> >
> >> > 44. You wore socks scrunched down.
> >> >
> >> > 45. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in
BLACK BLACK
> >> > BLACK"
> >> >
> >> > 46. You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
> >> >
> >> > 47. You remember watching both "Gremlins"
movies.
> >> >
> >> > 48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear
Stare!!"
> >> >
> >> > 49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My
Little Pony
> >> > Tales"
> >> >
> >>
> 50. You thought Doogie Howser was hot.
> >> >
> >> > 51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien
from Melmac!
> >> >
> >> > 52. You remember New Kids on the Block when
they were
famous.
> >> >
> >> > 53. You knew all the characters names and their
life stories
> >> > on "Saved By the Bell", the ORIGINAL class.
> >> >
> >> > 54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT
THRU THE
HEART.
> >> >
> >> > 55. You just sang those words to yourself
> >> >
> >> > 56. You cut your t-shirts in half and wore it
with
your
> >> > homemade Levi shorts...(the shorter the
better)
> >> >
> >> > 57. You remember when mullets were cool!
> >> >
> >> > 58. You had a mullet!
> >> >
> >> > 59. You still sing, "We are the World"
> >>
> >> 60. You remember the days that cross colour pants,
black high top
> > sneakers, and
> >> baggy adidas jumpers were SOOOO cool!
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN
THE 1980s
or
> >> > early
> >> >1990s!!!
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > ROCK ON!!!

my fav one is about the mullet............

its so funny getting things like that when they jog ur memory and u just go.."what was i thinking"

i have just stared collecting baby sitter club books for jamie...i havent read them since primary school

i like the one about the slap bands... were they cool or what!!
LOL... what a sad bunch we are!

**shakes head**

smp that last was was great lol

I DON'T KNOW WHICH DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM ... A LOT!!!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
________________________________

After the recent Pakistani earthquakes and numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice.

Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside

My girlfriend says "Oh my god! You don't KNOW what the care bear stare is?"
She seemed shocked that I don't remember brightly coloured teddies pushing out there stomachs and colours popping out.

this was written by her pretending to be me... go figure

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go
to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains, and
disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change
into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair,
open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will
not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that
in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made
by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes
and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in
thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE
IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

oh hell yeah......six hours (6am - 12) of Madness.....Jabberjaw, Hong Kong Phooey, the Herculoids and the list can go on and on....

A penis said to his balls;

"Hey boys im taking you on a night out!"

The balls replied;

You fu*king lier, you allways go in and we get left hanging out side then get bashed by some cu#t!

PeAkey you bloody funny bugga....funny stuff!!!

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well,
here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American
University.......
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read
what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must
be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion
has been reached."
The following was turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary

STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of
the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had
left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President
slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!" >

(rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F.....ING TEA??? Oh
no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels."

(rebecca)
As......ole.

(gary)
Bi....ch.

(rebecca)
Wanker.

(gary)
slut.

(rebecca)
Get f*..cked.

(gary)
Eat sh*...t.

(rebecca)
F*.....CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(teacher)
A+ : I really liked this one.

LEGENDARY STUFF but you still have to answer my question, what is your cats name. I want him

two gay guys walk past a morgue. the first gay guy says to the second, "wanna go suck down a coldie?"

Lets call him Harley - 'cas he turn from a purr into a ROAR

A blonde and a brunette are sitting down to lunch one day and the brunette pulls a thermos out of her bag, the blonde looks at it and asks.. whats that?
the brunette explains its a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!
the blonde watches in amazment as the brunette pours hot coffee from the thermos.

the next day the blonde sits down for lunch with her new thermos and is joined by a new blonde
the new blonde asks whats that?
the other blonde replies its my new thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!
the new blonde looks a little confused and asks... so what do you have in there?

the other blonde replies... Two cups of coffee and an ice block!!!

these two came from an email I received today regarding silly grafitti....these are my favourites (its a dodgy 80's thing)

Attached image(s)

Why is the Internet like a Penis?

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power.

They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior.

Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

Here we go... check out this game:
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf

and for those who like something a little more grusome:
http://www.yonkis.com/mediaflash/yeti_gorez.swf

OMFG...i am crying i'm laughing that hard...i don't think i will ever stop laughing...THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!!!!

I like I like

Now just so long as all the guys know that it's all good!!!
LMAO

ROFLMFAO!!!

LMFAO

ya gotta love it my Aunty Sharon brought me up for 4 yrs of my life...only with her she didn't have to be on the piss you just stay out of her way anyway, LOL

Diary of an Alice Springs Summer (by a Pom)

August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Alice Springs!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f*ckin blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bl**dy $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid f*ckin place.

November 8th
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to f*ckin throttle him. F*ckin heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f*ckin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f*ckin arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f*ckin arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th
The weather report might as well be a f*ckin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f*ckin sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f*ckin place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the f*ckin pool. Even the palms can't live in this f*ckin heat.

November 14th
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the stupid f*cker. F*ck Alice Springs! What kind of a sick demented f*ckin idiot would want to live here?

December 1st
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f*ckin kiddin!!!

i got this yesterday






oooh oooh and this one gotta love the hoff mail

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NICE ONE!!!!!

Harley

A couple funny ones i got sent

Harley

This post has been edited by Harley: Feb 3 2006, 11:29 AM

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Ive got a couple more but i thought these were pretty funny



This post has been edited by LadyK: Feb 3 2006, 11:55 AM

This one isnt bad, got it at work today...

A primary school teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by 6 year-olds,

Strike while the .........................insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
Better to be safe than......................punch an older boy.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight-Saving Time.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy is the bride who......................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favourite:






Better late than............................pregnant!

> > Once upon a time,

> >

> > in a land far away,

> >

> > a beautiful, independent,

> >

> > self-assured princess

> >

> > happened upon a frog as she sat,

> >

> > contemplating ecological issues

> >

> > on the shores of an unpolluted pond

> >

> > in a verdant meadow near her castle.

> >

> >

> >

> > The frog hopped into the princess' lap

> >

> > and said: " Elegant Lady,

> >

> > I was once a handsome prince,

> >

> > until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

> >

> >

> >

> > One kiss from you, however,

> >

> > and I will turn back

> >

> > into the dapper, young prince that I am

> >

> > and then, my sweet, we can marry

> >

> > and set up housekeeping in your castle

> >

> > with my mother,

> >

> > where you can prepare my meals,

> >

> > clean my clothes,

> >

> > bear my children,

> >

> > and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

> >

> >

> >

> > That night, as the princess dined sumptuously

> >

> > on lightly sauteed frog legs

> >

> > seasoned in a white wine

> >

> > and onion cream sauce,

> >

> > she chuckled and thought to herself...

> >

> > ... I don't f ***** g think so.

> >

> > * * * *

bwahahahha i love it!

remember Michael Jackson is a terrorist!

i love this one

______________

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. "Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't you love military time?!)

_____________

ahahaha, love that one

lol, thats seriously one of the funniest things ive read in ages

What the?

http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of p!lls
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

something random i found online....


How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and ear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the F-in' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch.
15. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency Room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
16. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap the pill in bacon.

How to keep women sweet
 
1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "Could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
 
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
(Or--if she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)
 
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
 
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "You better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
 
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
 
6. Recognize the small things... they usually mean the most. Then--when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and hide them. Because jewelry is for wussies.
 
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "F$#k You" and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.
 
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear ".. because i can."
 
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.
 
12. Warm her up when shes cold.. and not by giving her your jacket..
then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
 
13. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
 
14. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet..
kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?
 
15. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things.. like masturbation.
 
16. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
 
17. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
 
18. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: Shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.
 
19. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say "No, shes not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
 
20. Look her in the eyes and smile.. then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
 
21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. She'll say "No, its just the rain." Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream "Stop crying you f*cking baby!" Girls like a tough man as I've already stated.
 
22. If you're listening to music and she asks to hear it, tell her no.
This way she'll think you're mysterious.
 
23. Remember her birthday but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
 
24. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now dont call.
 
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

ROFL love it!

If AFL footy clubs were women

Sydney would be J-Lo - Quality all over, but especially good down back.

West Coast would be Kylie Minogue - very decent despite not having much up
front.

Fremantle would be Danii Minogue - Always trying hard to be as good as her
big sister, but will never measure up. The butt of everyone's jokes.

St Kilda would be Krystal from Big Brother - has the biggest and best assets
going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.

Brisbane would be Elle MacPherson - past her glorious best but still easy on
the eye and an old favourite with most.

Port Power would be Madonna - also past her glorious best, but refuses to
accept it gracefully.

Carlton would be Whitney Houston - has not looked after herself in recent
years and has gone completely off the rails.

Adelaide would be Delta Goodrem - tidy, attractive, professional and
uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want to
yawn.

Geelong would be Britney Spears - at times can look stunning, at others it
can get ugly.

Essendon would be Katie Holmes - has a certifiable psycho in charge of her
every move. Has lost credibility in recent times.

The Kangaroos would be Paris Hilton - lays down way too easily.

Richmond would be Annabel Chong - can cop a pounding and keep coming back
for more, all in the name of self-improvement.

Western Bulldogs would be Shakira - proof that being short is no barrier to
getting you excited. Will only get better too.

Hawthorn would be Christina Aguilera - looks like she enjoys it rough and
dirty.

Melbourne would be Princess Di - may be a blue blood, but hasn't done
anything for a while.

Collingwood would be Amelie Mauresmo - last woman on Earth scenario: you
still wouldn't.

ROFL @ those last ones .... sooo true...

OMG LMFAO!!!!!!!

Murphy's Other Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by
those who got there first.

12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

13. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.



Thoughts for the weekend

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?


Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........
on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your
mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how
much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total
is $49.9! 9"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last
year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan,
Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a
Scooter,...registration number 1123..."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're
also diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^

Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: Faints

Test for Idiocy



Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. Do not take your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!!







First Question:



You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?













Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!



Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK?







Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?



















Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?





You're not very good at this, are you?









Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .

Add another 1000 . Now add 20. Now add another 1000

Now add 10 .. What is the total?











Answer: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.







If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... ...Maybe.









Fourth Question:



Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What

is the ! name of the fifth daughter?













Did you Answer Nunu?

NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again!







Okay, now the bonus round:

I may have sent this one before. I'm never sure.



A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.



Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?





He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you!

a mate sent me this - kinda funny

http://www.drmcninja.com/

YOUR HOROSCOPE


ARIES: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are basically a prick. You seldom think others are good enough for you so you masturbate a lot.

TAURUS: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist. You have an intense love for whips and chains.

GEMINI: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap selfish bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. Everyone thinks you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Most Cancers are frigid.

LEO: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. You arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and get their kicks from sniffing bicycle seats and kissing mirrors.

VIRGO: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good garbage collectors.

LIBRA: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent because you are a rip-off. If you are male you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve great success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. Scorpio women give good head because they have no morals.

SAGITTARIUS: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or pot-heads. You are almost always impotent. People laugh as you a lot because you are always getting fraked.

CAPRICORN: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken-shit. You fear people and relationships. Most Capricorns prefer rubber dolls. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progresive. You lie a great deal. On the other heand, you are inclined to be careless and impratical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fraking jerk.

PISCES: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI and CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.

Like hell i work like hell. I make lazy look like an effort

got the whips and chains part right

bahahahaha did they just say exactly the opposite of the actual horroscope was?