Just Jokes

Since we're all about making people smile @Anthems - it's about time we had a joke thread! My favourites are usually about primary-school level

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey - we've got a drink named after you!!" and the grasshopper says "What - you have a drink called Kevin??"

Q. Why does a chicken-coup only have 2 doors?
A. Cos if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken-sedan!!

Q. What do you call a man with no arms & no legs in a swimming pool?
A. Bob

Q. What do you call a man in a pile of autumn leaves?
A. Russell

Q. What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
A. Doug

Q. What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
A. Douglas

Q. What do you call a woman with one leg?
A. Eileen

Q. What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A. No idea

Q. What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no idea

where did you find these from.. they need to be re-written

not a person for giving out jokes.. I'm just the joke, listen to me.. prepare to be ummmmm, something..

An old man was sitting in a shopping centre when tis bloke sat next to him. He had a mow hawke with different color hair and every part of his face pierced. The old man was looking at him when the young bloke turned around and said to him
"hay old man havnt you done anything wild in your life??"
and the old man replied
"yes son i once fucked a parrot and thought that you might be my son"

Harley

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother,
"My hands are cold."
The mother replied,
"Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up"
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said,
"My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied,
"Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was
again in the buggy with the daughter. He said,
"My nose is cold."
The girl replied
"Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother,
"Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said,
"Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies,
They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?




Harley

This post has been edited by Harley: May 20 2005, 09:01 AM

hehehe

nice one harley

two gay guys walk past a morgue.
first gayguy says to the second, "wanna go suck down a coldie?"

hahaha thats sick nickdub

Nice one Harley!

That's a shocker nickdub!

Pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors, David, Darren and Daisy.
They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally!
But Daisy feels so bad about about having sex with both David and Darren, she kills herself.
Sad are Darren and David, but they get over it and again nature takes it's course!After a couple more months the lads feel really bad about what they are doing......
So they bury her!!!!

Eewww! Hahaha!

Hhahah Good one Party Popper

Proud to b Aussie


A little cheer for all from the Australian Bureau of Statistics

*31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

*19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.*

*Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.

*101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

*18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

*A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.

*5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.

*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

*142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

*58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

and finally:

*8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.

YEP! its great to be Australian!

welcome joker4 good first post...

I'm not sure if that's all true... but it's v.funny!

Wow really does make you proud to be Austarlian

I believe it all.. I reckon I've problem spoken to some of those people in my role

Sorry, but it takes a lot more than 9 volts to kill someone, even over their tounge, but a very funny list all the same

not if they have pacemakers

French, Italian and Irish man on making love


The Italian says, "When I hava finished makina de love with my girl-a-
friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6
inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nerfthing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze
love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze
soles of her feet with mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in
pure ecstasy".

The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me bord, I
get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on da curtain.
She hits da feckin' roof.


Harley

This post has been edited by Harley: May 23 2005, 10:49 AM

hahahahaha... (breathe) hahahaha...

there was a bear and a rabbit in the woods, the bear turned to the rabbit and said , do u have problems with shit sticking to your fur ???
The rabbit replied and said no!!
So the bear picked the rabbit up and wiped his ass !!!

Did you hear about that dyslexic raver?

He took F.

Some cracker jokes there guys!!!
How about this one.....

Mickey and Minnie were in divorce court and the judge says to Mickey "So you want a divorce because you say your wifes crazy?!"
" No"replies Mickey, "I want a divorce because she's f*#@ing Goofy!!"

Boom boom!!! Ha Ha!!!

thats great party popper





hahahaha seen this one before, still a classic

Yeah I ahve to remeber that one party popper.

Cheers! It's a classic hey?!

ok how about.....

"HEY Mum," he said as he rushed in from school. "I've got the biggest dick in grade five."
"Well so you should, ya dickhead," she said, "you'll be 21 next august!"

Hahahahahaha

Thats so wrong yet so right in other ways

*scratches head*

right in which way?!?

right in the funny way

hahaha another classic.. good work.. we have the queen of comedy here

Hahahaha! Cheers!!!! I love good jokes and a good laugh! And I love to make others smile and laugh too!

So here's one of my favs for ya's!

An extremely large italian women walks into a pub and as she appaoaches the bar she raises her arm exposing an overwhelmingly hairy armpit. "What man in this bar will buy a lady a drink" She hollars.
An extremely drunk man at the other end of the bar through squinting eyes slurs "I'll buys that (hic) ballerina a dwink"
The bartender looks at the drunk man strangely and serves the italian women a drink.
She gulps the drink down in one swig slamming the glass on the bar and again raises her arm exposing the hairy armpit. "What man in this bar will buy a lady a drink" She hollars again.
"I'll buys (hic) that ballerina a dwink" replies the drunk man at the end of the bar again, while barely being able to stay upright on his seat.
The bartender tends to the italian women and returns to the drunk man inquisetly asking "Sir, it is your choice of whom you buy a drink for but may I ask why you keep calling her a ballerina?"
Slurring the drunk replies "Any woman schat can lift (hic) her leg that high (hic) must be a ballewina!"

Hehehehehehe!

LOL...just the sort of humour I needed at this time of morning...speaking of which, what are you still doing awake? I thought I was a bit of a loner and the only one hanging around here at this time of morning

I'm a night person! Not a big fan of sun light.... I melt! hahaha! What's your excuse?!

I'm a vampire for starters, plus I didn't finish making the anthems advert that I promised Paul i would do...so I'm doing it now (ignore this thread please paul)



The thought of going to bed before midnight......eeeeeesh. And getting up before lunch should be illegal

Try this one peoples. Im pretty sure it works

www.storewars.org

Harley

Nice work mate, that is gold!

Once again Party popper a winner.

Pebbles Flintstone was having a bath with her dad, when it was time to get out Fred stood up. Pebbles looked up and said "daddy daddy what's that between your legs?" after a slight pause Fred replies its a 'Rock'. Pebbles nods and gets out.
The next night Pebbles had a bath with her Mum, same deal when it was time to get out Wilma stood up, and Pebbles said "mummy mummy what's that between your legs?" Once again after a slight pause Wilma replied "It's a 'Rock Crusher' ", to which Pebbles replied "Oh I get it the 'Rock' goes in the 'Rock Crusher' to make Pebbles".

cool, so its okay if I post at 3 am then lol

You're not kool if u don't

better start posting at weird hours then

Here I go again.....

The little boy in the crowded showgrounds was obviously distressed. "I've lost my Dad" he sobbed when the policeman approached him.
"What's he like?" asked the cop.
"Beer, women and the odd bet" said the lad.

its not actually the voltage that will kill a person when they get electrocuted, its the current thats flowing through them. Although the voltage has some impact on how much current can actually flow, its almost of no importance...9 volts is actually sufficient to kill a person, depending on a few things but this fact is actually true of three people dieing each year...

A young man that has become obsessed with cowboys walks into an icecream shop one day and says to the lady "I'll have an icecream with nuts please"
The lady replies "Would you like your nuts crushed?"
The young man quickly unholsters his pistols, points them in her direction and screams "Would you like your tits shot off?!?!"

legend!!! thanks mate for clearing that up..

hehe not a problem
just thought i'd lend some knowledge from what i've been studying
so be afraid when you see a sign that says 'danger! 20 amps!'
not when you see a sign that says 'danger! 20,000 volts!'
...big numbers just do a better job of scaring people

Yeah thanks chemical thats heaps interesting...just hope i can remeber it now

Higher voltage is required to overcome electrical resistance for enough current to flow, and even a wet tounge has too much resistance for low volatge to flow easily.

Also, electricity takes the least path of resistance, and a 9v battery over the tounge would only see current flowing over the tip of the tounge, and not through the rest of the body. To kill you, the current would need to flow to the heart to cause fibrilation.... 9v simply couldn't overcome that distance/resistance.

agreed.

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.



This post has been edited by Porthy: May 30 2005, 06:50 PM

So this may sound stupid, but can the 9v battery kill someone at all, or is it just a myth.

Myth

Thanks for clearing that up

Nice one Porthy! I agree it would be nice if men listened occasionally!!

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

hehehe

amen

If you can't tell already, I love jokes

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer

negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in

price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most

sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on,

and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea.

It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on,

but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the

$500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at

least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday




Harley

Everyday, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of
air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the HR department and
states she wants to bring a sexual harassment grievance
against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling
you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Dave, the midget."


Harley

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "you know, we have
a wonderful system at the fire station.

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide
down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL2,
I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make
love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!"

The wife promptly took all her clothes off.



When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."



Harley

Whats the difference between hard and light?


You can go to sleep with the light on....


A friend told me this one, Totally a boy thing but too funny....

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five miles an hour.

"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
Cop: "No, I mean really important,"
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
















Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as his chauffeur!!!"

LMAO! Some crackers there peoples...

Why women outlive their husbands....

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After the checkup the doctor told the wife in confidence, "If you don't do the following your husband will surely die!"
"1. Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch make him a warm nutrtious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner fix him an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times a week and encourage him to play golf at every oppurtunity."
On the way home the husband asks the wife what the doctor had said...
"You're going to die!" She replies.

CORPORATE LESSONS

Corporate Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the door- bell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the door- bell, the wife gives up, quickly she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says,

"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Corporate Lesson #2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to removeis hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Corporate Lesson #3

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson #4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson #5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Corporate Lesson #6

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive.

Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.

Moral of the story:

It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass

like this one!

Work is like a tree full of monkeys, some are perched on higher branches and some on lower branches.
The monkeys on the higher branches look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the lower branches look up and see nothing but assholes!!

A reporter from a well known aussie newspaper was travelling through country Tenessee on a trip to the states looking for a human interest story.

He comes across an old farmhouse and sees the old farmer sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch.

He approaches the old man and says: "I'm writing a human interest story for the newspaper back home, can u tell me a story of when something really good happened to you?"

The old man replies: "well.......there was this one time my neighbours daughter got lost.........me and a few of the boys formed a posse and went searching for her, and when we found her we fucked her and brought her home."

The reporter was stunned and after a moment to gather his thoughts said: "Thats terrible I cant print that!!!! Have you got another story!"

So the old farmer thinks for a moment and says: " well.....there was this one time my friends sheep got lost.................so me and the boys formed a posse and went searching for it and when we found it we fucked it and brought it home."

Once again the reporter is stunned and says: "I cant print that either!!! Let my try this a different way. Can you tell me a story of when something bad happened to you?"

The old farmer thinks for a moment and replies: "well....... there was this one time I got lost........................"

Shazza goes into Centerlink......
"How many children?" asks the Centrelink worker.
"10" replies Shazza
"10???" says the Centrelink worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?" asks the Centerlink Worker,
"Naah..." says Shazza, "its great because if they are out playing in the
street I just have to shout WAAAAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY WAYNE or
WAAAAYNE GO TO BEDNOWand they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says Shazza... "I just use their surnames"


Harley

I like this one its so true

A Senior Citizen (for Jase31)

I am a senior citizen...

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when,
all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the
terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they
could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Kiwi was next up. After watching the South African he decided to use 2 pillows, but even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again
and the he was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Aussie was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most
beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Aussie replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you
give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And what is your second wish"?

"Tie that Kiwi to my back."



Harley

Gods Country

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando,
thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from
South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw
the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if
this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby
nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for$10,000
he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia,Boston,
and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to
see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived in Australia, and again,
in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone,
but this time the sign under it read
"40 cents per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches.
I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son it's a
local call".


Harley

Aw......that one's kinda nice

BIATCH!!!!!!!

those in glass houses should not throw stones

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar ...

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit .

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ...

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er.. mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.



Harley

Ones for the women

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me

a mood ring the other day so he would be able to

monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns

green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking

red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me

a diamond.

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,

"This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When

he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going

to make you the happiest woman in the world." The

woman says, "I'll miss you."

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,

sensitive man?

A: A rumour.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted

to make Love to you really badly. She said - Well,

you've succeeded.

He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'.

She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the

ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.

He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery

money that I gave you?' She said 'Turn sideways and

look in the mirror you fat bastard'.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a

husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are

sensitive, caring, and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What makes men chase women if they have no

intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have

no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with

half a head?

A: Reload and try again!


Harley

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum
deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant".
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."


Harley

[quote=Harley,Jun 16 2005, 07:49 AM]
Ones for the women

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me

a mood ring the other day so he would be able to

monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns

green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking

red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me

a diamond.




GOLD!!

apparently 43% of satistics are made up on the spot..

3 Nuns stitting in the park eating lunch one sunny afternoon

when from behind the bush appeard a man dressed in a

trench coat. With out thinking twice about his actions. Flash the Nuns!!

2 of the Nuns had a stroke!!

Unfortunatly the 3rd nun couldn't quite reach :|




I actually very excited about hitting double digits with my posts

GOT WOOD can take control of my signature

might even get a mention in the : most active poster thing too

Little annoying god damm frog!

Attached thumbnail(s)

I LOVE IT. hee hee

Yayayay finally something useful top do with a blender, that is amusing

I used to hate the original frog in a blender, and I definately hate Jamitupyerasster Frog....but together they are beautiful

GREAT COME BACK LINE


Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines!



Harley

SHOPPING AT WOOLIES

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Tom says to Juris behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Juris replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... A lot quicker than a
doctor."

So Tom deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.
He
deposits ten dollars, and the co mputer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis
elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in
two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Woolies.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Tom
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
a
sperm sample for good measure. Tom hurries back to Woolies, eager to
check
the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
awaits
the results.

The computer prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st Floor)
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

fuckin gold -I really liked that one!

SEVEN TYPES OF SEX


SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give
him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery
since
it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,
$14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged
him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The
doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOMEN'S HUMOR

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make
you
happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over
the
doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



SEX AND FLYING

One night a 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old
husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up
pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living
apartment...killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder. The judge asked her if she
had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could fly


Harley

bwahahaha.... DJ Darth Vader - http://www.djkeltech.com/video/KELTECH_STRIKES_BACK.wmv
...mixing up Star Wars..

can check out this guys other vids here - http://www.djkeltech.com/scratch.htm

Little Johnny was in class and all the students had to select a word, any word they liked, and use it in a sentence.

The teacher selected Lucy to speak first she got up and said
"My word is Flowers, Miss. My Mum has lots of beautiful flowers in her garden."
"Very nice Lucy" the teacher replied
One by one, each child stood up and delivered thier words and sentences. Then, its little Johnny's turn.
He stands up and says "MY word is URINATE, Miss"
the teacher lets out a loud sigh. "OK Johnny, what is your sentence"
Little Johhny then says
"My dad says urinate miss, but if your tits were better, you'd be a ten"

Thats sik michael

Would be awesome at the start of a DnB set

Micheal Jackson would have been found guilty if he was black.

Oldskoolie, you are GOLD!!!!!!

You know im bad, im bad, you know it, you know it!

Hahahaha Not nice


Harley

Attached thumbnail(s)

a guy goes to the doctor and says "doc doc i hope you can help me - i think im a moth!"

"a ...moth?" confirms the doctor

"Yes! a moth! " the man continues....... I swear to you i am a moth, and i have told my friends and my family and they just can't believe it, but i am so sure!!"

"um..." swirms the doctor, " I am not sure i am really the right person to help you as i am only a general practioners you know,... um.. maybe you need a psychiatrist??"

"well" says the man "its funny you say that coz i was on my way to the psychiatrists when I saw your light was on........"

********************************

Love the different types of sex Harley... They're a crack up!

A BRA, BATTERY and JUMPER LEADS walk into a bar and find a booth to sit in. The BRA walks up to the bar and says to the bar tender "3 beers thanks". "Sorry" says the bar tender "but I can't serve you". "Why not?" says the BRA. "Well you're off your tits and your mates over there look like they're going to start something!"

Boom Boom! Ha Ha!

A blonde walks into cash converters and is having a look around when she is approached by a sales person. "Can I help you miss?" says the sales person. "How much for the t.v?" asks the blonde. "I'm sorry but we don't serve blondes in here" replies the sales person. Confused the blonde leaves. The next day the blonde returns in a brown wig and dark glasses and proceeds to look around. "Can I help you miss?" asks the sales person. "Yes" replies the blonde, "How much for the t.v?". "I told you yesterday, "we don't serve blondes in here!" says the sales person. Upset the blonde leaves. On the third day the blonde dresses up as a man with a fake moustache and wig on, dark glasses and a hat on. She proceeds to browse the store. Finally the sales person comes up to the blonde, "Can I help you?" asks the sales person. " Yes, How much for the t.v?" asks the blonde. "Look here" says the sales person, "I told you yesterday and the day before we don't serve blondes in here!". Taking the hat, wig, moustache and glasses off the blonde asks confused "How did you know it was me the whole time?" Frowning the sales person replies "Cause it's not a damn t.v, it's a fucking microwave!"

Great short joke....

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off".

They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........f*ck, I could win this...........



Harley

A Classic.....



A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck,
but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a
few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise
me!"
He did just that.
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.


Harley

THIS IS A CRACKER.
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me list of
them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Ratt lesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania! where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Harley

An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this

huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him

on the neck knocking him to the floor.

The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks

by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks

him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank b*stard

Sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings."


Harley

Port Power training was cancelled the other day due to a suspicious white powder found on the field. After calling in the police and having the
substance inspected it was discovered this substance was in fact the
goal square.
Training resumed as it was assumed Port Power would never encounter
this substance again.




Port Power are making a help-line available for fans who are disappointed with their team's recent performance. The help-line number is 1800 10 10 10
That's 1800 won nothing won nothing won nothing




Question: What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Port
Power shirt to bed?

Answer: You ain't gonna score!!!





Osama Bin Laden has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours
of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday.
To prove that appearance was not pre-recorded Osama stated that he "watched the footy on the weekend and Port Power were crap!"
UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could of happened any time over the past year.





Question: What is the difference between Port Power and an arsonist?

Answer: An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches...

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The
father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit
the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared
and said: You've Got Male!

lmfao, great have to spread some of them around!!!!!!!!!


ummmmmm....i got nothing

actually w8 heres a really old one....

little boy was living with just his mum, one day his mum needed a few things and she sent him out to the shops to get them. (This kid had a bit of speaking troubles)
Anyway he needed a bucket, a cockaspaniel and a bun. So he went off to the hardware store and asks for a fucket. The lady at the counter was shocked but thought she new what he wanted so gave a bucket to him.
Next he went to the pet shop and asked for a "cock and spank it". The same thing happend and he walked out with a cockapsaniel.
Then finally he went to the bakery there he asked for a bum. The lady new he meant a bun and gave him one.
Anyway on his way home the dog runs away so he runs up to this lady and screams "Can u plz hold my bum and fuck it while i catch my cock and spank it."


Bit rude for a forum but there ya go


bye

Miss Sylvia, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist. "Miss Sylvia", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?"

"I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this
little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the
organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
And do you know I haven't had the flu all winter


Harley

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want, the prick aint gonna come to you anyway!

What did the left leg of a blonde say to the right leg??

Nothing thay have never meet.....


Harley

how sad... the jokes i was going to add were in the 23 bad jokes list.. but they were funny to me...

now i actually have to think harder about any jokes im going to add...

a elephant asked a camel why are your breasts on your back

well said the camel thats a strange question coming from somebody whos dick is on their face

Hahahaha i like that one happyd!!

Harley

yeah nice one , will b sharing that around tooooo

laughing my motherufucking arse off

A blond lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.The man walked
up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blond, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is,
I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100
for your trouble.""I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blond's
car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego
when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the
two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What
the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to
take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blond, "but we had
money left over---so now we're going to Sea World".


Harley

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he
served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so
lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be
super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed,
rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked
you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on
the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."

The flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."


Harley

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?



Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?



Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?



Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?



When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss not a near hit?



How come abbreviated is such a long word?



Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?



If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?



If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?



How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?



Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?



Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?



Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?



If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?



Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?



Is there another word for synonym?



Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?



What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?



What was the best thing before sliced bread?



Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but if you transport something by ship it's called cargo?



Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the car radio?



Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?



If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how does teflon stick to the pan?



If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?



You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes why can't they make the whole plane out of that?



Why do they report power outages on TV?



Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?



Can you be a closet claustrophobic?



What's another word for thesaurus?



If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?



When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?



Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when they ask you what time it is?



Why does sour cream have an expiration date?



How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?



If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?



Why is the alphabet in that order?



Harley

lol god damn bondes

some good jokes in that lot!!!

ill have to track a few of my old favourites down... few a lil ummm... politically incoorect....

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog
for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in
heat." "What's that mean?"
asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The
little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for

a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in
heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took
a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it
to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on
the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left
and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised,
Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

An oldy but a goody


Bank withdrawals


A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun.
"Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we
don't hold money".
"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!"
She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.
She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.
The girl drinks another one.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement
it's her husband.......
"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says



Harley

kk, i'm about to post a heap sorry if some have alr4eady been posted

Hello, my name is Brian and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50
billion f#cking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe
that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Wagga Wagga with a
breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone
to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get
laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullsh!t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started
by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on Capt
Cooks boat.

F#ck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel
from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't f#cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own
unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave
you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's
funny, send it on.

Don't p!ss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years
and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you
forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your
underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

P.S. Send me 15 bucks and then F#ck Off ...


---no-----SEND ME 15 BUCKS---then 'Brian' can f#ck off!!

A LESSON FOR ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS!!!

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in
Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her
point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a Long line of inconvenienced
travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this
flight and it HAS to be NOW". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir.
I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people
first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger
was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU
HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and
grabbed her public address microphone:


May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she
began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. We have a
passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help
him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to get in line for that too."

I hate my Job


When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins - Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever
had any contact with a pen*s?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well
I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger . " St.Peter
says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass
through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Jennifer
have you ever had any contact with a pen*s?" The girl is a little
reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one. " St. Peter
says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl
is pushing her way to the
front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says
"Pam!
What seems to be the rush?" Pam replies "If I'm going to have to
gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her a*se in
it."

Marriage - Part I
>>Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding,
>>he laid down the following rules:
>>
>>"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't
>> expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the
table
>>unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
>>fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies
and
>>don't you give me a hard time about it.
>>
>>Those are my rules. Any comments?"
>>
>>His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there

>>will be sex here at seven o'clock every night........ whether you're
here
>>or not."
>>
>>(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
>>
>>************************************
>>
>>Marriage (Part II)
>>
>>Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
>>anniversary!
>>
>>The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
>>
>>
>>
>>"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
>>
>>"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
>>reads:
>>
>>"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
>>
>>(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
>>
>>******************************
>>
>>Marriage (Part III)
>>
>>Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.
>>
>>Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"

>>and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty
>>and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone
>>after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so
long
>>to answer the phone?"
>>
>>She says, "I was in bed."
>>
>>"In bed this early, doing what?"
>>
>>"Getting a second opinion!"
>>
>>(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
>>
>>******************************************
>>
>>Marriage (Part IV)
>>
>>A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
>>proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
>>spite of her objections.
>>
>>One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home

>>and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts

>>at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
>>
>>His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
>>back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
>>
>>(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
>>
>>**************************************
>>
>>Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
>>
>>A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each
>>other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day,
>>he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
>>business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
>>LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He
left
>>it where he knew she would find it.
>>
>>The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he
>>had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife

>>hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The
>>paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
>>
>>Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created

>>man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the
>>masterpiece.
>>
>>SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU
>>
>>THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

Sorry to any Port fans...actually no i'm not... GO THE BOMBERS!!!

A seven year old Adelaide boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama Last
week when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of
him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the had
awarded custody to his aunt. However the boy confirmed that his aunt beat
him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge
suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they
beat him more than anyone. The judge then dramatically allowed the boy to
choose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the Port
Power football club this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are
not capable of beating anyone.

No offence to any intelligent blondes

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I
have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The
blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her
boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then..... " he said with a deep sigh"............

Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing
home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of
a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males
actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a
door opened and Cooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that
thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down
the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you
got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink
coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on,
ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door,
Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very
sizable erection in his hand.


"Oh, good grief," said Ethel,


"Not the breathalyser again!"

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...
Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?'"

She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know...
Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it,
"B.I.T.C.H."

What exactly is a BITCH?!? they ask in unison.

"Babe In Total Control of Herself."

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "Bitch" SMILE ... and say

"Thank You!!"

MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY! PASS THIS ONE ON TO AS MANY AS WOMEN YOU KNOW!

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Saskatchewan.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
boat out.


She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her
book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."


"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says
the woman.


"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.


"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.


MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

The Old Poodle
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that she's lost.
Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction
with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down
to chew on the bones
with her back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says
the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a near by
tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection
from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with
great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down
with her back to her attackers,
pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough
to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"


Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
Thought for the day. There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five
fewer people laughing in the world.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
> > following reasons:
> >
> >
> >
> > I do physical labour.
> >
> > I work at great depths.
> >
> > I plunge head first into everything I do.
> >
> > I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> >
> > In fact holidays and weekends is when I toil the most.
> >
> > I work in a damp environment.
> >
> > I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
> >
> > I work in extremely high temperatures.
> >
> _______________________________________
> >
> > Dear Penis
> >
> >
> >
> > After assessing your request, and considering
> >
> > the arguments you have raised, the administration
> >
> > rejects your request for the following reasons:
> >
> >
> >
> > You do not work 8 hours straight.
> >
> > You fall asleep after brief work periods.
> >
> > You do not always follow the orders of the
> >
> > management team.
> >
> > You do not stay in your designated area and are often
> >
> > seen visiting other locations.
> >
> > You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured
> >
> > and stimulated in order to start working.
> >
> > You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
> >
> > your shift.
>
> > You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
> >
> > such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
> >
> > You will retire well before you are 65.
> >
> > You are unable to work double shifts.
> >
> > You sometimes leave your designated work area before
> >
> > you have completed the assigned task.
> >
> > As if that were not all, you have been
> >
> > seen constantly entering and exiting the work place
> >
> > carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

hehehehehe. OMFG!!!!! LMFAO


sume of those are true gold! hehehe thats gona keep me going for tha rest of the day....

Nice ones there taz and also GO YOU BOMBERS!!


Harley

Little Johnny is all grown up now and decides to join the army...

Base training is finished and they are going on there first exercise to antartica.
Upon arrival in antartica all the men are lined up in front of their sargeant and given a run down. Once the sargeant is finished he asks his men if there are any questions. Little Johnny puts his hand up 'I have a question sargeant' says Little Johnny. 'Yes, Go ahead Little Johnny' replies the sargeant. 'Well, I was wondering how long we are going to be here sargeant?' 'As long as our exercise persists us to be here Johnny' Little Johnny raises his hand again 'I have another question sargeant' 'Yes Little Johnny' 'I was just wondering what we do if we get horney sargeant?' Replying to Little Johnny's obviously fair question the sargeant points at a barrel a few metres away and says 'See that barrel Little Johnny? You just put your penis in the hole you can see in the side of it there and that will solve your problem' Curious, Little Johnny says 'I might give it a go now sargeant if that's ok?' 'The choice is yours Little Johnny' replies the sargeant. So Little Johnny approaches the barrel and places his penis in the hole. Suddenly something grabs hold of his penis and begins to massage it. Within minutes Little Johnny blows. Returning to the sargeant Little Johnny says 'Geez sarg, that was awsome I might book myself in for Tuesday, Thursday and maybe Sunday!' 'Don't get to excited Little Johnny' smirks the sargeant 'It's your turn in the barrel next week!'

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink

1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would

have absorbed more than 1 kilo of escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words,

we are consuming 1 kilo of shit.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, whiskey,

beer or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a

distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.



It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are

drinking water, to STOP doing so, it has been scientifically

proven that it is UNHEALTHY

and BAD for you

WATER = SH1T ALCOHOL = HEALTH

Free yourself of SHIT, drink ALCOHOL!!! It is better to drink

alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.



Harley

lol, noice 1, noice!!

Guess what i did have in my hand before i read that one

Drunk.....


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A Litre of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "


Harley

LMFAO! haha! i was thinking it had sumthing to do with wat she was buying! haha! i wuld PAY (10cents) to see someone do that for real!

Harley u crack me up!

...fucking hell taz...they just kept coming aye....like really kept on going...and going...and going... i lost instrest but first one seemed funny lol

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there
already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things are worth."

"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now!"

HAHAHAHA man....... funny shit so fucking awsome just pure genious...i'm telling all of my friends respect

some of these are gold just going thu websites with jokes fucking funny

Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.

i find it funny how sexist these are, no offence to all the blodes out there

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

BLONDE TERMINOLOGY

Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Genital -- non-Jewish
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Terminal Illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumor -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

How to insult a old man
*slap* shut up litle girl

i know it makes no sence but what the hell i laughed my ass off

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q2: What will she ask you?
A2: "Is it mine?"

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

I love blonde jokes i have been reading them for about the last 2 hours can't get enough peace good night MWA

The Horth Whithperer

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "how will I
recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech
impediment." The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth.

Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I
see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this
point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point,
the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far
as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the
ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should
rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

LOL!! nice one....

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs" they get ushered into see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

An accountant and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a
flight from L.A. to New York. The accountant asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a
nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch
a few winks. The accountant persists... He explains how the game
works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me, and vice-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and
tries to get some sleep. The accountant figures that since his
opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes
another offer, "If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5,
but if I don't know the answer, I will

pay you $500." The blonde figures there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, so she agrees. The accountant asks,
"What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde
reaches in to her purse, pulls out $5 and hands it to the
accountant.

Then she asks the accountant "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and

comes down with four?"

The accountant is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for
references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches
the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to
his coworkers and friends. No luck.

After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to
sleep.

The accountant, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes
the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands
the accountant $5, and goes back to sleep.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help
him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is
pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys
helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into
the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls
out the husband. "Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark. "Where are
you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

hahahaha! that last one cracks me up...

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.
Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble
is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days
to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Roy
"I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried,
He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says
they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they
have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the
sandwiches,
he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he
still
isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
and just as they are about to eat it,









Roy pops up from behind a rock and
shouts,

"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came up to
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you
doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against
it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet,
jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened
to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,

"This just isn't gonna be your day..."

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

The Difference between Guts and Balls

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "You're next, fatty."


Harley

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a
little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to
believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and started talking with the
workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them awhile they had
coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there
to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope
containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they
take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked
all last week with a construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too? The little girl replied... "I will if
those useless c..ts at Bunnings ever bring us the f..king gyprock."


Harley

bbbbbaaaahhaahahhaah

hahahahahahahaha.......

True Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car, slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the F*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."



Harley

15 Things to do at K-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their
sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3'
in housewares . . and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layby.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the
foetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And; last, but not least!

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and
then, yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"




Harley

Gold

I couldn't find the "Funny Emails" thread, so i'm just gonna stick it in this thread!!

I got this in an email today... hit the nail on the head i say!!

Attached thumbnail(s)


Attached image(s)

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter.

St Peter asks first girl, "Rebecca, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of One with the tip of my finger."

St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water And pass through the gate."

St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Meg have you ever Had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Amy! What Seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jenny sticks her arse in it"

That one will always be a classic.

GOLD!!

harley, u really shouldnt give us these sorts of ideas. u know alot of us will end up doing them one weekend

These would make great t-shirts!! My lame joke for the day...

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

Whats the difference between a pizza boy and a gynocologist?
they can both smell the box they just can't eat it.

An elderly couple go to the doctors and the wife gets a check up.
The doctor take the husband outside and says.
"I'm sorry sir but your wife has one of two things"
Either AIDS or ALDZIMERS? The husband says what do i do?
The doctor replies "You take her to the center of town and leave her there and head home.
But what will that achieve says the husband.
Well put it this way sir if she comes home don't f @# k her!!!

Investment Advice



In 2001 if you had bought $1,000.00 of One-Tel stock, it would now be

worth about $9.00 to you as an unsecured creditor if you are lucky.



In 2002 if you had bought HIH stock, you would have about $6.50 left

of the original $1,000.00.



In 2003 if you had gone overseas and bought ENRON you would have less

than $5.00 left.



But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer only one year ago,

drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium

recycling price, you would have $24.00.



Based on the above, the best investment advice is to drink heavily and

recycle.

sounds good to me

$1,000 worth of beer?? still thats only about 25 cartons of real beer (pale)

just enough for a week of hot weather

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He
told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist
bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests
for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra
or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the
differences?"

The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type
for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".


And, if you need more bra info - here's some more:

Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, & H
and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes?

Well, if you've ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:

A. Almost Boobs

B. Barely Boobs

C. Can't complain

D. Dang!

DD. Double Dang!

E. Enormous

F. Fake

G. Get a reduction

H. HELP ME, I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP !!!




This post has been edited by bekavich: Jan 16 2006, 11:17 PM

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor was her tottering on the edge of the bridge , crying.

He took pitty on her and said, "look, you have so much to live for. Im off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, i can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he sliped his arm around her shoulder and added , " i'll keep you happy , and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all what did she have to loose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life boat. From then on, every night he brought her 3 sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passoinate love untill dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. " What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

" I have an arrangment with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained. " I get food and a free passage to Europe , and he's screwing me"

"He certainly is, " the captain said " this is the Manly ferry"

This is the transcript of the FOX FM live radio that got
Sydneylaughing. Read it and you'll see why!
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and
hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in
Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game Is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
Answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast
If you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold,get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tone .....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off To the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

thats hillarious.. im still laughing!!! *tho that is not uncommon*

An Australian, a Kiwi and a South African are in a bar one night
having
a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrika our glorses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses
that
we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws
his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African
and
Kiwi.



He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Australia we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with
the same ones twice."

i f*cking love it!!!!!!!!!!! *looks at daana*

*oils his rifle* so when are we goin drinkin ?

Here are a few corny jokes.....

Whats the Difference between a Pregnant lady and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew the lightbulb


What happens at MJ's house at midnight?

The big hand touches the little hand

.... thats all i can remember that are worth posting....

i made up this lame joke


whay did the emo chicken cross the road?




because it saw a car coming

emo's aren't suicidal but nice try, please no jokes bout suicide

anyway back to the funny

the apple mack was all like i go on first and clean the hair so the monkey ripped its balls off and had goats milk and cookies

CHICKEN SURPRISE



A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order "Chicken Surprise"

The Waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the Wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" She asks her Husband.

he hasn't, so she asks him to look into the pot. he reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he see two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please Sir," Says the waiter, "what you order?" The Husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."



Your going to love this.......




"Ah, so solly" says the waiter, "I bring you Peking Duck"

A bit of read but funny as. If interested heres the link

http://www.rotten.com/library/language/the-finger/shocker/

Harley


The Strange Case of the Hanover High Shocker
In May of 2000, it was reported in the local paper that thirty-four students who had attended Hanover High School in Pennsylvania had had their pictures taken for the school yearbook giving an obscene gesture. The principal, John P. Cokefair, had sent a letter to the thirty-four students' parents explaining that because of the preponderance of this gesture in the photos, the offending photos would be re-taken, without the gesturing students, and these students would bear the cost of the re-shoot.
Additionally, the students were to recieve community service for a day, and seniors who did not show up would be denied their diplomas, while truant underclassmen would be given a three-day suspension.

An outsider who hears this story naturally asks the same question: How were thirty-four students able to give the finger and not get caught until it was necessary to replace the photos?

Therein lies the interesting fact of this event; the gesture in question was not the middle finger, but a gesture known in certain circles as "the shocker". Principal Cokefair explained in his letter that the reference was "so horrific" that some students could not even speak of it. His letter explained, "perhaps your child will elaborate when you have a talk about this matter."

In fact, the photos had been taken throughout the year, but were undetected as anything meaningful until some team photos were brought to the attention of the administration by a faculty member in the athletic department. Once the meaning was known, the yearbook had become a minefield of obscenity and deplorable references; the Principal had felt he must act.

It would be best at this juncture to assist the unknowing (feel no embarassment) as to the formation and reference of "the shocker". Let's start with your outstretched hand, palm up. Take your ring finger (next to the pinky) and touch it to your thumb. It is as if you're making an "OK" symbol with the wrong finger. Now, flatten your finger and thumb a bit, while your first, second and pinky fingers remain straight up. Rotate your hand a little, so your straightened fingers are pointing somewhat sideways.

Congratulations, you are now making "The Shocker".

It is a gesture meant to indicate a sexual act, wherein the first and second fingers enter a vagina, while the errant pinky plunges into the anus; hence the "shock". The gesture, the province of minds quite filthy in nature, has taken on other, more explicit names: "Two in the pink and one in the stink", "two in the coot and one in the boot", "going to town with one in the brown". Yes, quite rude, quite crude... but a minimal impact, considering its relative obscurity and difficult explanation. You can imagine Cokefair's eyes tearing up with anger as he flipped through the photographs; smiling faces, blushing with youth and vitality, innocently holding up a signal representing digital sodomy and sexual manipulation. The despair in the room, the struggle to decide what to do, must have been palpable.

For their own part, students claimed several defenses to the local press; that some didn't know what the meaning of the gesture was (quite likely), that it had been done in previous yearbooks with no punishment (and it had), and that the punishment was, after all, inherently cruel.

A parents' meeting was quickly announced by the school board for the following tuesday, allowing the parents to vent their anger or sound their agreement with the chosen punishment.

One hundred parents and students showed up. One hundred! The tone was obvious, the intent soon laid out: removal of the photos was not the answer. This tone found a voice in one Kate Klunk, the lone student representative on the school board. That night had been bittersweet for her; while this debate raged on, she had also been awarded a certificate for two years of service on the board. But she saw through the fog of anger and spoke. And her words held weight and meaning.

"The yearbook is designed as a documentary, memorial or historical book," she said. "No person or persons" should be permitted to remove photographs; it was tantamount, she said, to removing mentions of slavery from history books because "it makes America look bad."

Why not simply airbrush out the gestures themselves, a cost which the offenders could bear, and which could be done without sacrificing the many photographs that had been taken? Ms. Klunk concluded with her brilliant offered comprimise and gave back the floor.

Then rose Steve Sheppard. A parent and self-described "representative of the parent community", he proceeded to read Cokefair's letter to the attendees of the room, because not all had had the opportunity to read it. He dismissed the idea that the children were "innocent babes", but questioned why their silly joke must cause such revisionism in the yearbook. He refuted the idea of making the students drive back from Senior Week to do community service, questioning the safety of such a request. He pointed out that the plan as stated by the Cokefair letter was that not only would the students be not allowed in the re-taken photographs, but their names would cease to appear next to them, even under a "missing" header. In other words, as he put it, the school district would "destroy a piece of our history".

Sheppard's speech was interspersed with applause at several points, and upon conclusion he was given a standing ovation.

No doubt, Cokefair saw the writing on the wall as the applause faded.

By June, the board had spoken. The students were not to be given community service, and the photos would not be replaced (although in some cases new photographs had been taken in anticipation). Instead, Klunk's suggestion ruled the day: the students' obscene gestures would be airbrushed from the photos, artistic siphoning of the horrifying incident. The students would also recieve six hours of after-school detention.

What happened next is, like all back-room intrigue, up to interpretation. Fingers were pointed, accusations made, numerous angry calls and conferences between the administrators of the school. To the outside world, and even the parents, things seemed to die down.

Until July.

His authority questioned, his declarations anulled, and his good name now inextricably linked with this digital obscenity, John Cokefair did what any self-respecting man would do. He resigned.

In the heat of the Hanover summer, Cokefair submitted a letter to school district authorities and officials, citing the Shocker incident, and the ensuing fiasco, as reason enough to seek employment elsewhere. Cry not for him, for he found solace and waiting arms in his previous employer, the Williamsport High School, three restful hours away. His pay would be nearly the same, although he would be one of several co-principals, no longer the single lord and renovating spirit he had been at Hanover. No doubt, this was a tough sword to self-administer at age 50, a time when your days should be spent walking the hallways, assisting the problem students, disciplining the bad eggs, making the inspiring speeches at pep rallies.

And as for whether he was jumped or pushed, Cokefair claimed he had been given a gag order (an accusation which the school board denied) and refused to discuss details other than to intimate to the local paper about the event: "That probably was the most shining example of the lack of respect I was receiving....it was a crowning star and I sincerely hope that Dr. Bortner (the new superintendent Michele Bortner) is able to convince the board to respect their principals."

Even now, in this future age, when the events have settled into history and the decisions and battles are now trapped in the amber of lore, it is best to realize how even the littlest fights can erupt into life-changing battles, with collateral damage to careers and reputations, driving men and their families from a community, never to return.

Surely, that is the greatest "shocker" of all.

why did the blonde climb over the glass wall...??
to see whats on the other side...


BOOMBOOM!

i know so sad, but the brain cell in my head is having a nap and thats all i could think of right now

Harley thinking that you were gonna make me read all of that is a joke in itself..

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to
someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll
give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a
moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she
called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him
for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to
get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally
after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"





Harley

good one Harley

A man walked into a supermarket, asking to buy half a head of lettuce. The stock boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished speaking, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "--and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Afterward, the manager said "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Texas?" Asked the manager.

The boy said, "Nothing but whores and ball players down there."

"Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Texas!!"

"No kidding!" Says the boy. "What team did she play for?"

not affending anyone
Q: what do a asian couple call there retard baby
A: sum ting wong
my friend liked it lol. i thought it was pretty crap but oh well i got nothing better

Yeah, another blonde joke:

A blonde woke up one morning with a new lease on life and decided that she'd go in to the world and try and do as many good deeds as she could. So, she had a shower, got dressed, ate some breakfast and set off to do her first good deed. She walked down her street and randomly picked a house to go to. She walked up to the front door and knocked on it, a man cam to the door, she told him that she's offering to do a good deed and had chosen his house to start with. The guy thought for a bit then said "Well, i've been meaning to paint my porch for a while, it's round the back and there's some paint and some brushes in the shed, thanks for offering". The blonde says "your welcome, anything to help out! ". The door closes and she heads round back to get straight to work. An hour later she's back and knocks on the front door again, the man answers, she says "it's all done, i hope you like it". The guy, astounded that it only took her an hour to do the job, says "Hey, thanks heaps for your help, i wish there were more people in the world like you ", the blonde says "Awe thanks, your welcome, have a great day! ", as she's walking off to do her next good deed she turns back and says "By the way, it's a BMW not a Porch"....

This post has been edited by philbert: Mar 13 2006, 10:39 PM

A dying man is laying in his hospital bed holding a photo of him, his wife and their 5 sons. 4 of the boys are handsome with blonde hair, the youngest boy is a bit goofy looking and has dark hair. He motions his wife over to his side and with his last breath he asks "Is this boy my son?" She replies with all honesty "Yes, he is your son" and with that the man smiles at her and passes away. Relieved, she turns to her sister and says "thank god he didn't ask about the other 4"

Hmm, heard something similar from Hotdogs on his Uplate show on Friday night

Hey Rob, wasn't that WE heard something very similar?!?! But yea... I liked it!

Here's one:
What goes "ha! ha! *thud*"

Someone laughing their head off

Stupid... But one of my favorites

Two men walked into a bar....you'd think one of em would have seen it

Lame i know but all my goods jokes are in my room somewhere

A Love Story


I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,


The Flu

"THE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL"

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy" she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy,Mummy" she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mummy,Mummy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"No, honey, Its because you're 24"

What do you call a sheep with no legs?






A cloud

I love lame jokes

lies, his name is stumpy!

Here's one for your evil sweetness

2 Elephants walked into a bar.

BOOM BOOM

What about this one

Why did the kid fall off the swing?

Because he had no arms

why do we need armies?

to hold up our handies *flaps arms around*

hehee! Kiddie jokes are so silly....

What do you call a fly with no wings?

... A walk!


What do you find up a clean nose?

... finger prints!

These two were my brothers all time favourites when he was a little tacker!

Nice, nice...

This is my favourite....

What happens when you mix Coutz and a brick wall together?

She smax her head!

bahahaha

close but not close enough

I didn't smack my head into the brick wall someone else did it for me barstards

whats brown and sticky?

a stick

here's my favourite joke.....

wait for it....


PEAKE!!!!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

(that was for courtz - nasty peake!)

now for a proper joke

why couldn't fred ride a bike?

because he was a fish

Bwahahahaha

love your work babe

Why did billy fall off the bike?

because someone threw a fridge at him!

Only cas I was standing next 2 u mich, you can make anyone look funny lookn!

What did the farmer say to the cows which was on the roof??

Get Down

What did the cow say??

Moooo

Sure I can help you out!






















































Which way did you come in?

a bar keep was tending his bar one afternoon when in came 5 blondes chanting "10 days! 10 days!". they came to the bar and ordered a round of drinks, chanted "10 days! 10 days!" then skulled their drinks back in one. they ordered another round and the bar tender asked them "10 day's?? what are you saying 10 days for??", one blonde turned to him and said "working together we just finished a puzzle in 10 days!! the box said 3-4 years"....

What do the mines in which the miners got trapped and Michael Jackson have in common?

They've both fucked miners...

a guy walks into a bar, and sees a blonde working behind the bar. on the tv there is coverage of a man who is attempting to commit suicide by jumping off of a building.
the man says to the girl working behind the bar " i bet you 20 bucks he jumps"
bar girl says "you're on!!"
after 5 minutes, the man on tv jumps, to which the blonde looks despondent, and hands over the 20.
the man says to the blonde " i can't take your money, i saw that earlier on today on the morning news."
the blonde says "so did i, but i didn't think he'd do it again!!!"


.........the man keeps the 20.........

nice,

what does michael jackson like about 28 year olds???



theres 20 of them....

this made me laugh a lot this morning

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi
guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss
girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound
of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a
bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in
the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the
dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack
the Kiwi again.


sorry Daana.....

nice one

bwahahahaha

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and the Beaconsfield Mine Manager?

One gets his miners stuck in a shaft the other gets his shaft stuck in minors

THE RULES OF LIFE FOR AUSTRALIAN MEN:

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed by his mates.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,but not both - that's just mean.

20. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,orange or sky blue.

30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.

Got this one yesterday by a mate. I pissed myself



Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as



he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.



He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a



strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white



robe.







"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my



bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm



St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have



so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got



to send me back straight away".







St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We



can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but



knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent



back as a hen.







A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around



pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this



strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled



over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first



day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange



feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating"

explained



the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never"



replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen."







And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops



out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and



his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the



first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was



overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best



thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!







The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he



felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife



shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed".

This made me laugh a lot!!!!

Problem:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.


On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:


Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you pissed moron!

Nice one!

you thief...

a girl came home from her neighbours and says "mummy, mummy the boy next door has a penis like a peanut"

the mum askes "why huni is it small?"

the daughter replies "no its f*ckin salty!!"

GOLD!!!

Does he have an infection?

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a Real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why Kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you No one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".