Just Jokes

this is not really a joke as such but a saying that kept me and a work mate entertained for the day today. If someone is giving you grief and you really want to kain em hard then ask them how tall they are. When they answer and tell you the height they are you pause and ponder a sec and say wow i didn;t know they could stack shit that high ROFL LMAO.

I was at an ATM machine today when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.

So I pushed her over

*********************

HURRICANE SHAZZA HITS THE SUBURB OF ELIZABETH

Hurricane Shazza hit Elizabeth in the early hours of Wednesday 29th May 2007.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived. The Advertiser reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Elizabeth.

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all."

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette shirts, and any other items usually sold in Priceline or Cheap as Chips.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, baked beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Elizabeth Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity Display" due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Elizabeth - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway!

Q. Two Elizabeth girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does an Elizabeth girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old Elizabeth girl?
A. Granny.

Q. Why did the Elizabeth girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason
whatsoever.

Q. What do you call an Elizabeth girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question during an Elizabeth quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Elizabeth kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.

Q. What's the difference between an Elizabeth boy and an Elizabeth
girl?
A. An Elizabeth girl has a higher sperm count.

Q. Three Elizabeth youths drive over a cliff in a Commodore. What
is wrong?
A. The car seats five.

That's freaky, my mum only told me that one last week :|

One my girlfriend sent by email:

The day the penis asked for a raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons;
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work i a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely.
P. Niss


The Response

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request. and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons;
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the protective clothing.
You will retire before you are 65.
You are unable to do double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exciting the workplace carrying two suspicious bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

This post has been edited by overdose: Jul 10 2007, 11:43 AM

WORST JOKE EVER...

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors.

He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.

The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.

But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

You can imagine he was put off of tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own.

Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke.

He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.

He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe,
>
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(Wait for it)
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"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

Oh dear

Some Statistics.... (This is serious research kids!!)

A recent study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year.

That means on average, Australians get 41 miles per gallon.

Isn't that great?

Everyday a man walks up very closely to a lady co-worker standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her "Your hair smells lovely"

After a week of this she went to Personnel and put a Sexual Harassment complaint against him.

The Personnel Manager said "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?"

She said "It's Keith the dwarf!"

One January day, we found an old, straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight! Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. We didnt' know what to call her, so we named her.. "Pussycat".

The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the compaliner) said, "Okay, but don't forget to wash her - she stinks!" He remided the Vet taht it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him!

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The Vet calls my husband "El-Cheap-O", and my husband calls the Vet "El-Charge-O". They love to hate eachother and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last workd on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the Vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the Vet leaned in (he had obviously seen my husband arrive). He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "You've wife's pussy doesn't stink anymore and it's finally clean and shaved, so now she smells like a rose! Oh, and by the way, i think she's pregnant! God only know's who the father is!"


Then he closed the door....

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

It's funny but whats stopping the man from i don't know what does an angry husband do these days, blow niggaz up lol



WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAHAHHAHAAHAHH WICKED WICKED WICKED

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston-Martin DB9, a Mercedes SL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garages. I have over twenty million dollars in my bank account, but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut two inches off. Just send the bottle back."

THATS AWESOME!!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Sunday, 29th July 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did come up to bed, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:

Sunday, 29th July 2007

Crows lost to Essendon. GUTTED. Got a shag though.

SHOULD LESBIANS REALLY BE ALLOWED TO USE DILDOS?..........

i MEAN THEY HAVE MADE THEIR CHOICE HAVENT THEY lol

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. Ihave never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was> >that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what
I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each> >outfit.' We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy You?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

LMFAO!!!

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast while they were diving, he spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says..."Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke..."I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says..."I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead, young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef, he got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says..."Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks...They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...... So what's the other possible good news?

"Well", the Sarge says..."if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again...

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this Once..............

I HAVEN'T MADE THE fraking PORRIDGE YET!!!

Before you read this story, just answer one question to yourself. The
> >
> > answer should be a simple yes or no, here is the question:
> >
> >
> >
> > Do you have a goldfish? Just answer yes or no, and then read below:
> >
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> > ________
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> > Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a
> >
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> > rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
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> > The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
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> > Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
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> > Stuart: - No way he's a stockbroker.
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> > Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
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> > The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
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> > the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
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> > he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the
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> > several beers get the better of the builder...
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> > Dave: - Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
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> > what you do for a living?
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> > Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
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> > Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
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> > Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
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> > Dave: - Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
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> > Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
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> > pond. Which is it?
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> > Dave: - It's in a pond!
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> > Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
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> > Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
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> > Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
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> > Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself,
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> > Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
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> > to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
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> > quite probably married?
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> > Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
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> > Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
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> > with your wife on a regular basis?
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> > Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
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> > Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
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> > very often?
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> > Dave: - Me? Never
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> > Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
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> > Dave: - How's that then?
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> > Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
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> > about your sex life!
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> > Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!
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> > Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
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> > Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
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> > Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
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> > Stuart: - What's that then?
> >
> >
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> > Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
> >
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> > Stuart: - Nope
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> > Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker

That was pretty funny. You made me spit beer on myself missy

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, " where have you been?

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, " what is it ? "

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.

"balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a Continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area and Asked," what's that?"

Ah", said God. "That's South Australia, the most glorious place on earth.There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the h sportsman. The people from South Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting in Victoria!"


*********************************

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
WOG FRIENDS: Move out when they're 28, having saved for that nice house and are a week away from getting married...unless there's room for the newlyweds at home.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: When their mum visits them she brings a nice bunt cake and you sip coffee and chat.
WOG FRIENDS: When their mum visits them she brings 3 days worth of food and begins to immediately tidy up, dust, do the laundry or rearrange the furniture.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them and it's usually only on special occasions.
WOG FRIENDS: Are not at all fazed when their dads come over, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00am and start pruning the trees with a chainsaw or renovating the garage.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: You can leave your kids with them and you always worry if everything is going to be ok plus you have to feed them after you pick them up.
WOG FRIENDS: No problem, leave the kids there and if they get out of line the WOG friend can set them straight...plus they get fed.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Always pay retail and look in the yellow pages when they need something done.
WOG FRIENDS: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal, know what I mean.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee and expect cake and coffee, no more.
WOG FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee and expect an antipasto, a few bottles of wine, a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, potatoes, a nice dessert cake, fruit, coffee and a few after dinner drinks...time permitting there will be a late lunch as well.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Think that being a wog is a great thing.
WOG FRIENDS: KNOW that being a wog is a great thing.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Never ask for food
WOG FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Will say hello
WOG FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
WOG FRIENDS: Call your parents mum and dad.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
WOG FRIENDS: Cry with you.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave
WOG FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
WOG FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
WOG FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. ole0.bmp

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
WOG FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
WOG FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Are for a while.
WOG FRIENDS: Are for life.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
WOG FRIENDS: Will share this with other wog friends.

that last part was taken from the "good friends/best friends" myspace forward!

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young well endowed blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Hahahahaha nice 1! i sent that to my kiwi mate he will love it

LMAO. I laugh alot at the Kiwi's. Can't wait to go to New Zealand

The Christmas Spirit

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

A blind man wanders into an all girl's biker bar by mistake.



He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a cricket bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl trained in martial arts.
3. I'm a 183 cm tall, 79.5 kg. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde, 92 kg and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde, and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Sir. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a few seconds, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gunna have to explain it five times.

Joke of the year...


Two women are sitting together quietly...

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against

the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and

says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

MAN OF THE HOUSE

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The farkin' funeral director would be my first
guess."

*************************************************************************

Subject: Fishing Trip

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 4:30 am . When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear sun-block."

*************************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


**************************************************************************

they are great lol

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

What's the smartest thing that ever come out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's d*ck...

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings Hardware when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, And I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big hooters , and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

lol thats funny

Here's my joke:



But no no seriously,

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

ROFL.. tha'ts brilliant Rob! hahahahaha

Police comments caught on recording...

1. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

2. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.'

3. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

4. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

5. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

6. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

7. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?'

8. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

9. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

10. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

11. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

12. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

13. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

14. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

15. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'



AND THE WINNER IS....

16. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:

'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first three inches it's all brand new.'

Ouch

oooooo thats good.

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.!

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)


Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.


Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:



"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"


Two Old Men

Two old men decide they are close to their last day's and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.

The Madam takes one look at the two old men geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They wont know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"DEAD?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her."

His friend says, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch?? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!"

Adelaide Barbie...

"Golden Grove Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Village . She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a designer kitchen. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.


"Mawson Lakes Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Mazda MPS and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.


"Para Hills Barbie "
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a F100 with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.


"Burnside Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own cappucino cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.



"Port Adelaide Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a Power t-shirt and dragon tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of VB and a Jimmy Barnes CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her XF falcon ,different colour panels optional, separately and get a Jim Beam bumper sticker absolutely free. ( this model also available in limited edition for Elizabeth, Hackham and Murray Bridge.)


"Unley Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Xenical prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.



" Marion Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top Also available with a mobile home.


"Semaphore Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Semaphore Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.


"Salisbury Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a Centrelink life member form and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Commodore were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant and a 10% off sale at Supercheap.



"Port Lincoln Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out fishing.



"Mars Bar Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on body parts.

gold celeste!!

Walking can add minutes to your life!

This enables an 85 year old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now, he's 97 years old, and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound... Apparently, you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good, doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story. and I'm sticking to it.

AND ... Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour. By the time I leave, I look just fine.

This post has been edited by KandiRaver: Jun 20 2008, 10:54 AM

I like the last one...

Spaghetti

For several years a wealthy man had an affair with an Italian woman .

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain," he said. The wife obeyed, and, watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."